| EMILY | |||
| 02:53am 18/12/2009 | |||
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"My Thoughts After Reading A Letter From Emily" Somewhere down the road, I forgot the transience of everything. I became too attached to the people that loved me— I loved them back. I refused to see that future when we’re in different lands, to acknowledge that one of these times will be the last. I lived as if things would last forever. And I don’t think I regret it. Although it comes with a price: the sting my heart feels to think I might not see her again. To rationalize it would be easy— just wrap a cold sentiment in some flowery image or lofty allusion: What is this world but a dream within a dream, A fleeting twilight image in the corner of an eye, The blossoming, and the withering of a rose? But a rose is a rose— And we are not roses. It’s enough to make you want to crawl into a garbage can and slam the lid shut. So you must collect all your strength just to not succumb, or to not kick a wall, unsure if you’re more angry at the impermanence and absurdity of it all or at yourself for letting it surprise you. But I won’t stop loving. I refuse to. And I'll see her again. |
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| 10:36pm 28/11/2009 | |||
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A poem about socks When a sock loses its partner sock, it must be devastated— Alone and scared, its sense of purpose just as lost as its pair. I considered sending it off to a refugee sock camp, where they might be reunited, But for now I’ve matched it up with another misfit sock. It’s a black sock— and oh, how it hates its brown and lime zig-zagged match. Mismatched misfits . . . But at least he’s not alone now. |
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| Read 3 - Post | |||
| insanity | |||
| 02:56pm 28/11/2009 | |||
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when i lose or misplace things i enter a state of mania. firstly, i am absolutely determined to locate it. once i couldn't find a ring so i ransacked my entire room looking for it. then, in a desperate frenzy, i begin to question whether or not i ever even had the thing-- since it's not here now, maybe it never was. maybe i dreamt it. sometimes i end up finding the lost thing and am very cautious with it for a few days until i forget the devastating near-disappearance. sometimes i never find the thing-- but i don't ever forget having lost it, or dreaming that i once had it. my navy blue cardigan from express, for example, is still missing. i was missing a certain pair of underwear for two years-- and i hadn't forgotten it during that time -- until they turned up somehow between my mattress and boxspring. my black "a static lullaby" t-shirt, missing since '04. (Yes, it does seem I have a tendency of losing my clothes.) other things, too, though: books, files, games. yesterday i thought i had lost something i had written... i knew i had written it! or had i? i could only remember one single line of it, actually, yet i had only written it this summer, at least according to my unreliable account of the thing. nowhere. not on my computer -- i searched for a word in that one line. not on my external. i swore i typed the thing. then i began thinking, well maybe i didn't write anything at all-- that one line was just a thought that occurred to me one instant, and liking it, I stored it away in some drawer in my brain. this competing explanation suddenly became more persuasive than my original memory. i mean, i only did remember one line of it. how terrible to have your own memory superseded by reason! what other memories, i wondered, are false. dream thoughts. lies. this devastated me, instilling in me more determination than ever to locate the missing thing, the memory, not just for its sake, but to obtain security in my own mental faculties, for my recollection and my sanity. pondering all possibilities, and forcing my brain back to the details of when and where it must have come into being, i traveled through the dark tunnels of my brain. time fell away. i lost myself. but the thing! i found the thing! i had emailed it to myself. how peculiar and appropriate, i thought, that i should send myself a message from the past containing this thing, this memory that i had misplaced, and that i should read it now. surely i intended the message to be more immediately received and the contents transferred. in failing to do this, though, the correspondence from my past-self took on a new meaning, a romanticism. and it truly read as if it were from someone else-- were it not for that one line i retained in my brain-drawers i wouldn't have recognized it as mine at all. how beautiful and terrifying that we could lose a sense of identification that quickly. if i didn't speak for a few days, would the sound of my voice seem foreign? would my face after having avoided mirrors? best not to decide these things now i concluded as i filed the writing in a folder, a folder more reliable than my brain-folders. 'now you're safe,' i whispered. |
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| Read 8 - Post | |||
| 09:45pm 18/11/2009 | |||
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it's been so long since i last opened up a pomegranate. not knowing quite how to go about the operation, not even sure if i still like pomegranates, i just started scooping them out, pushing the fruit inside out like a möbius strip of peel. from this soft pink pinata, i liberate them all, countless shimmering rubies let into the world. each blinks frantically with its one seed-eye, greeting his neighbor and commenting how the other somehow doesn't look quite how he imagined. it is amazing how until a moment ago they had never seen the universe beyond that spotted sanguine shell; and now they shine like an ocean of semi-translucent super novas. more amazing still how soon they'll return to a dark place, staining my counter with death, my hands with love. |
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| Read 2 - Post | |||
| New beginnings | |||
| 10:09pm 22/08/2009 | |||
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I am in Boston/(Somerville). there are brick crosswalks and dunken donuts everywhere. bananas cost $1.29/lbs. nothing is open 24 hours. lame. the metro is old and kind of slow. it's big and there's so much awesome stuff. china town. i like it. |
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| Read 2 - Post | |||
| Reclamation | |||
| 09:37am 18/07/2009 | |||
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l think I used to be much happier. At some point quite a long time ago. Not exactly certain what happened. But I'm going to find it again. I lied, I know exactly when and what. |
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| Read 1 - Post | |||
| 10:48am 14/07/2009 | |||
| I have an apartment. This is a good thing. I'm going on a roadtrip in 4 days. Also a good thing. | |||
| Read 2 - Post | |||
| poems i like | |||
| 01:42am 02/06/2009 | |||
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Play it again, sam made into a playlist as subtle as spilling your beer on your lap or a man who hasn't showered in a day or two, with interspersed french radio and illogical bus ideology how silly of you, the fool, inverted -- Kanazuchi I wore my swimsuit The day I decided to drown myself And as I was filling My pockets with rocks I could see the faces Of all my relatives Floating down the stairs Like blue ghosts in agony Writhing and contorting Into sickening grimaces But I just hummed And kept on picking up stones And putting them in my pockets. -- Marry Me Please I didn't go anywhere but cut down all the trees in the backyard and weeded all the grass around them. they both children, the children went to war and when they returned the children bore children. the children flood the land and females can only take hot baths. It will soon by over. Perhaps grass will begin to grow. Man will die among the grass. -- |
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| Post | |||
| 04:18pm 22/05/2009 | |||
| It occurs to me that I said I would stop this journal upon graduation, and yet just updated it. Maybe these will be my last posts. Maybe I'll update throughout this final summer if things of substantial intrigue should come to pass. The suspense must be killing you. | |||
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| Lately | |||
| 04:14pm 22/05/2009 | |||
| My life has become insufferably cyclical. I forgot how summer brings with it both the lethargy of not having obligations as well as the depleting repetition of full-time work. I would say that I need a vacation from reality, but in truth, I'm much more anxious to simply change my reality this fall. | |||
| Read 1 - Post | |||
| Man vs. Chimp, An Exploratory Analysis | |||
| 04:22pm 07/05/2009 | |||
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Recent news of a woman being brutally attacked by a chimpanzee has sparked debate with my roommate over whether I could defend myself against an attacking chimpanzee or I, too, would end up mauled and handless. In my "research" I came across two Google Answers threads entertaining the same question. Bruce Lee vs. A Chimp; who would win?. The supposition is that if any human could defeat a chimpanzee, it would be a Bruce Lee, and reversely, if he couldn't, no one could. (I would argue here that someone of sheer mass would also be formidable as their balance is less threatened and they'd have the advantage of inertia.) The Bruce Lee debate hinges on a few factors. Strength: Chimps naturally have significantly more relative muscle mass than humans would even be capable of physically attain. This may be surprising considering they seem small and friendly, but they're tanks. Winner: Chimp Speed: This one is less established. I argue that a well trained man, such as Bruce Lee would have superior agility and reflexes than your standard chimp. I'm open to counter-arguments. Winner: Bruce Lee Technique: (Intelligence) Mastery of self-defense and martial arts against a survival mechanism of ferocious biting, clawing and mauling survival defense honed over tens of thousands of years of evolution. A tough call. While a chimp could no doubt easily bite off a human's hands with their estimated 800 lbs bite force (compared with man's modest 130), this is only relevant insofar as the man gives the chimp a chance to do so. Given the vast knowledge of fighting techniques, couldn't Bruce Lee plausibly adapt his fighting style to account for this? Just like Bruce Lee could competently disarm an assailant brandishing a knife or some other weapon that he lacks, it seems possible, if not probable that he would similarly be able to neutralize the advantage of the chimps fierceness. Further, possessing vastly superior intelligence of physics, inertia and fighting styles, Bruce Lee would be able to adapt his style to take advantage of the chimps weaknesses (and strengths.) Winner: Bruce Lee I would add the following: Height: Bruce Lee, 5'7. Average chimp, 4'. Bruce Lee is a short guy, but even so he has well over a foot on a chimp. A well known stratagem of war is that higher ground equals an advantage. The same can be said in fighting-- it undoubtedly gives you the increased force of gravity in downward attacks and allows for versatility of movement. Unless you're Yoda in Soul Calibur, who is in fact so short you can't grapple or hit him with most high attacks, being short offers no intrinstic advantage. Winner: Bruce Lee Reach: Despite height advantage the chimp has much longer arms-- which means they have the reach advantage. This, however, is slightly mitigated by considering kicking, which gives Bruce Lee a comparable range. Winner: Chimp Weight: Average weight of male chimps is 90-120 lbs, 60-110 for females. Bruce Lee, between 135 and 142 at his peek. The weight advantage of Bruce Lee by 15 to 50 lbs is very significant considering it will mitigate the chimps strength advantage and prevent Lee from losing his balance should be hit. Winner: Bruce Lee Vulnerability Chimps have evolved to survive without clothes. Man, on the other hand, has been hindered by thousands of years of softening under velvety layers of cotton and rayon. Essentially we're like tomatoes and they'd be more like cantalopes. Covered in thicker, rougher skin futher coated in dense hair, the chimp is much less vulnerable to injury. Humans on the other hand are fleshy and vulnerable all over, even if you're all muscle like Bruce Lee. His muscles are hard but his skin is soft. This makes us particularly prone to biting. Winner: Chimp The scoreboard reads: Chimp: 3 Bruce Lee: 4 This of course means nothing. For reasons beyond the incomparability and impossibility of weighting each category. I'd say that Bruce Lee definitely has a chance based on his speed and most importantly his honed fighting skills that he can adapt to fit the enemy. Given Bruce Lee's weight and muscular build the sheer strength of the chimp is not the main concern-- Lee could handle being smacked around, assuming the chimp could land a hit. The real threat would having his fingers, or worse, bitten offen. This very possible outcome would be game over for Lee. Knowing this, if Lee could keep the chimps chompers at bay, or even better, break the jaw with a swift round-house, he could likely managed to eventually incapacitate the chimp via blows to the head and neck. The resiliance of the chimp would make this a lengthy process, increasing it's opportunities to land a bite. Such a battle could go either way, but it seems that the survival instinct of the chimp lacks the sophistication and refinement of Lee's fighter instinct which I estimate would result in his victory between 70 and 80% of the time. I don't pay attention during class. |
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| Read 6 - Post | |||
| Job Prospects | |||
| 05:50pm 04/05/2009 | |||
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Porta Bella (restaurant): applied, interviewed Frida's (restaurant): applied, offered job, tentatively accepted. [worst decision ever?] Gamestop: applied, will be contacted by next week USDA Agriculture Research Services Computer Lab: applied Starbucks: application complete, contemplating Urban Outfitters: applying tomorrow Cedar Creek Web Design Internship: contemplating I need one or two jobs to get up to 40 hours a week. I really hope Porta Bella hires me. Ideally I could work there 30 hours/week and gamestop or starbucks the other 10 hours. |
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| Read 9 - Post | |||
| Tying Times | |||
| 09:14am 04/05/2009 | |||
| I need to get better at tying a tie. ugh. | |||
| Read 1 - Post | |||
| The End of Something | |||
| 05:24pm 03/05/2009 | |||
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Apart from a great short story by Hemingway, this semester is the end of something-- many things in fact. It marks the end of: - my residence in Madison, and Wisconsin in general - my undergraduate career - my jobs at the herald, both as a writer and in the web department - my job with DoIT Info Labs - my heretofore lack of debt via student loans - my pursuits of the Spanish and Japanese languages. I'll try to keep up with the, but no more classes. - this livejournal. Despite three entries in a matter of minutes, I'm going to stop updating after I graduate. Sorry to the three, maybe four people that still follow it. Hah. But it marks so many more beginnings that I am absurdly excited for. :) Maybe I'll build my own blog and keep that active.. |
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| Read 2 - Post | |||
| On Replacement | |||
| 05:11pm 03/05/2009 | |||
| My last post struck me as particularly Lewis Carrollian, which made me think that I should like to replace at least some of the following people: Dan Savage, Lewis Carroll, Tomioka Taeko, Earl Warren, Karen Walker. | |||
| Post | |||
| On Desire | |||
| 05:08pm 03/05/2009 | |||
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If I want what I don't have or what I can't have why is it that I don't have what I want when what I want is something that I could have. everything is stupid and i hate it. the end. hah! |
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| Read 2 - Post | |||
| Curious | |||
| 06:19pm 26/04/2009 | |||
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All my final paper topics for my senior year have somehow been about either sex or death. Sweet. Now I just need to write one about sex and death. What class could that be for? |
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| Read 5 - Post | |||
| "Chairs" by Tomioka Taeko | |||
| 03:07am 24/04/2009 | |||
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I greeted the human being. At any time I have nothig to say. I remember seeing a photo of a beach where many round wicker chairs are arranged. Inside those shell-like chairs I'll greet again. About the chairs there was nothing more to be said. You will put your hand where the space ends and look around. Our short trips have no sound at any time. either one of us may weep in the air. The chairs are always put back to back. or light we are. Don't hug me so intimately will you. |
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| Life Update | |||
| 05:25pm 26/03/2009 | |||
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School is almost over and it can't come soon enough. I hate most of my classes and I don't even know how I'm doing in most of them. I'm very ready for summer. And law school. I hate being single. It was refreshing and fun for the first few months but now I'm just sick of it. And kind of lonely. But I made this decision knowingly-- there's no point in any relationship because I'm leaving the city in a few months. Plus there's no one around that I'm interested in either. Still. I ran 10 miles this week. Biked 4. It needs to be warmer out again. I want to fix my bike. I want to bike to the Asian grocery store more regularly. That place is fun. |
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| Read 2 - Post | |||
| Law Schools | |||
| 08:13pm 27/02/2009 | |||
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So I finally have heard back from all the schools. I had heard back from the initial five since December, but I applied to Michigan at the end of December, so it took a while to hear back from there. I got into all but Michigan, incidentally. They contacted me today saying I was waitlisted, which although better than being rejected, is essentially a "you're probably not good enough." Honestly this was pretty expected-- I wasn't even going to apply, and initially didn't because I figured I couldn't get in. My parents convinced me to, and even payed the application fee, so I did. Granted, applying so late surely didn't help my chances of getting in, I doubt that affected the outcome much. On one hand, it's never a good feeling to be rejected, but I'm also glad I applied to at least one top tier school, even if it meant getting rejected, so I wouldn't be left wondering what my limits really were. Another benefit of this is that it spares me the agonizing decision between BU (the school I want to go to) and U.Michigan (the better school). Essentially this works out better for the interest of my happiness, perhaps at the slight expense of my future success. I'll complete the waitlist form, but for all practical purposes am considering this a rejection, leaving me at a final decision to attend Boston University School of Law. It's a very proud, momentous occassion, and only a little bitter-sweet. |
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thesasseffect |
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